Uni is odd

At the moment it feels like a youth hostel trip with complete strangers. I'm in a foreign room with yellow walls and share a kitchen between 7 lovely people. 

I'm loving it so far. Adoring it. Feeling v when will my life begin reprise 2

University is like the solar system

I have watched hundreds of videos about university on YouTube yet not one has mentioned the fear you feel before you go.

It's not so much a fear of not fitting but more of the unknown and I'll know I'll fit as the most popular idea for dress up is Disney and one of the main threads on the FB group is where the nearest nandos are to each campus. I mean it's ridiculous because it's not that unknown because I'll be at London, where I've basically grown up. I just have no idea who my flat mates are at all which is a bit scary.

I keep thinking about how university is like the solar system. No matter how far I go out (and tbh my commute home is 5 minutes longer than my journey home from school so I'm basically only at Mercury in this analogy) I'll always have home as my anchor, like the sun. I'll just gravitate round and round it, with a second home on a different planet.

On Results Day

I have had two "results days" so far in my life. I cried on both occasions, for different reasons. My GCSE results came in two waves and my worst results were released first and I honestly didn't think I had got into my sixth form. My AS results were much better than I could have ever anticipated but all the tension before my results came out built up and my results were such a wave of relief that I sobbed in the car home. Happy sobs.

I've had plenty of "results" throughout my life so far: my education has been filled with entrance tests and interviews (for schools rather than jobs) and music exams and internal exams. Just this November (which feels like a lifetime ago) I stayed up until midnight with one of my best friends, Nithya, to get our BMAT results.

The difference between every other result is that results day is a national thing. Everyone anticipates. And you know when it's coming. It's not like university offers or music exam results or even class tests. And everyone you know wants to know on the day you get it and that's a cause of stress. 

I am much less stressed this year though. I've worked so hard this year and asked for help when I needed it that there is no way I could have done better than what I get. If I don't get into my university I'll be gutted, truly truly gutted, but it's probably fate and instead I'll meet people that are influencial in shaping Birmingham Sophie or clearing Sophie. That rational thought process does calm me down a lot even though inner Sophie is screaming "what you've worked so hard you deserve what you were predicted after mocks, how dare you."

I just hope I've done well enough, I guess. I've done the best I can do.

Summer of DSLR

I'm a terrible blogger, sorry. I'm slap bang in the middle of my A2s (why am I not studying) and it has consumed me. I have a ton of half finished drafts about leaving school and role models and I AM SO BUSY RN.

I want to take photos this summer. Not iPhone photos, proper photos on my DSLR. I've been too ill to carry it but I am slowly getting better so I must must must get back in the photo game because in the past I have taken some beautiful photographs:

This project was inspired in particular by this

On books, identity and health.

I am currently in a reading slump. Well, I have been since February, really. I read ACOTAR by Sarah J Maas in under 24 hours and absolutely adored it. I've missed that total absorbing phenomena that is reading but at the same time Sarah J Maas had an ability to make me passionate about a plot line and her characters in a way regular books don't. So maybe I miss good books but really I think I miss reading. 

Reading has always been such an integral part of my identity, especially when I was ill. It kept me together through everything but also it gave me this purpose. Everyone was getting involved in music and drama and sport but I couldn't do any of it but I still had the magical talent of being able to read at 500000 miles an hour. So when I examined who I was I was a "reader." Also, reading is not a physical phenomenon so I have always been able to do it. I love playing piano and guitar but I hurt after playing them even for 10 minutes. I love going to London but that is exhausting. I love writing but that hurts after a while. Reading was never a problem.

My mother reckons that when I'm unhappy, I don't read. I haven't felt particularly unhappy since February though but I am stressed. I have firmed my uni for next year and it's perfect. Truly perfect for me. If I miss my grades I'll be gutted. So there's that. But also I'm applying for specific accommodation for my health and DSA and I'm just busy with a lot of admin. I realised how stressed I was on Tuesday when I took a deep breath and breathed out at a wave of relief hit me. That doesn't usually happen. I just need to calm down and stop chasing perfection: "oh but if I hadn't crossed out the right answer I would have got an A* in the mock".

I'm slightly rambling, sorry. Often I plan out what I'm going to write but I just really wanted to examine and share my headspace and I don't think planning helps that goal.

I get my final school report tomorrow. I have 8 days left of school ever before my leavers ceremony. I'm really truly growing up into the world. I'm voting tomorrow. I'm listening to Lily Dreams On by Cotton Mather because it gets my mood right now. I want to write more. I also want to write about identity because I find it interesting to explore.

I'll see you next time xx

Current mood: so. busy.

I guess I haven't been on here for a while and I should explain why.

I am currently revising for my A2 exams and I am throwing myself into it. I need AAB to get into my firm choice (which I couldn't not be happier with) and the fear of missing my grades is propelling me into a workaholic. I am literally obsessed with getting these grades. 

I am also finally well enough to have some vague semblance of a social life so that's taking up the very little free time I have. Honestly, it's nice to have stuff going on: for example tomorrow I get my chemistry mock results back, then I have a C3 mock, then in the afternoon I am going to my friend Tilly's for birthday cake and then I have to rush home to start babysitting at 8.50. It's a bit mental but I'm fine with that.

So yes, I will return. 

Soon, I swear.

Sophie xx

Currently listening: Smoke + Mirrors by Imagine Dragons

On Education

I read an article on Rookie about leaving high school and since I read it I just want to educate myself. I have a real urge to read non-fiction and articles on the New York Times and Rookie because I really just want to push the boundaries of my knowledge and empathy because I believe the two are very closely linked.

Ever since I was very young I have enjoyed education, specifically in terms of Biology. I used to read books on the human body and play Learning Ladder in Geography and English and Maths and I had a Sesame Street game. However, I've found the A Level syllabus fairly limited. Don't get me wrong, not having to do French or History is great, but I often feel that I get a very narrow education with it. I really like how specific the syllabus is, however, I feel like there is very little emphasis on finding things you enjoy in a topic. For example, I really enjoy learning about the nervous system in terms of pain but I have only learned about the mechanisms in which an impulse occurs. That basic knowledge is useful, but there needs to be more emphasis on relating it to your real life interests.

I do have a Biology teacher who attempts to do this but she really explores her interests rather than ours. She also sets a lot of work which I don't think stimulates this kind of learning because by the time I've finished all that work I'm too tired to read and write and I just end up watching PLL.

My school does push me with this which I am grateful for. We were made to do a 5000 word essay last year and as much as I moaned about citations I do believe it was a good experience for me. I learned how to research, write scientifically and it really made me feel like I was an expert on the topic I picked. I think developing these skills was a really good thing for me because we're not taught skills enough. I have been in school for 15 and a half years now but I've never been taught to write or revise or draw or budget. I've had to work them out as I go, and never in an environment where I wasn't doing the real deal. I've never been encouraged to keep a personal diary or sketchbook. I wish my education had included these things.

I think this is all coming from my current headspace which is very much a headspace of self improvement as my health improves. I want to become a better writer and live in a better space and try to become as educated as I can be. I feel that I haven't had the energy ever since May 2012 to do all this and now I have it I want to pour it into making uni-me the best me. I'm currently reading a book about pain where one woman felt like she had been asleep for 10 years and now she had to catch up on everything. That's how I'm feeling at the moment. Catching up.

#DearMe

I don't quite know where to start this letter. I'll give you some basic advice: get a fringe, get a warmer foundation and foundation brush and get contacts.

Be braver. I am so very proud of you because you are very self starting, but be brave. Talk to people when you have problems. Write when you have problems because it will really help you in year 9 to understand the problem.

You have Hypermobility Syndrome. Get the diagnosis and get ultrasound on your feet.

Your teachers are not always right. Remember that you are just as much as a person as they are and they do not have a right to bully you. Stand up for yourself and remember that just because you are less physically capable doesn't mean they are allowed to be cruel. You are far more accomplished than they will ever be.

You don't need 10A*s to be happy, Sophie. I didn't (you would be ashamed of my GCSEs) but I'm happy. And you'll learn to miss your expectations at GCSEs, not AS levels. And that's nice.

Move schools at sixth form. Don't stand for being ill. If something makes you terrified, it's probably not the right choice. Don't stop reading, don't stop writing. Take English and Maths AS, not Physics and Geography.

You are wonderful and oh so flipping smart.

If you're worried about me, don't be. As Hayley would say:

Things are looking up, oh finally

Decluttering

It was a New Years Resolution of mine this year to try to declutter my room.
I felt very overwhelmed with my room last year and I'm trying to make an active change to make it feel more calm and more like me. It was really a push to make my room feel like it belonged to an adult Sophie rather than a child Sophie, the Sophie who's going to uni in 7 months and maybe a year abroad in the USA in 18 months; I just don't want as much stuff when I make these changes in my life. I've done some great things so far: I cleared out all of my old maths exercises from last year, I've digitised my physics notes, I've reorganised my fairy lights so they look fly, I've got rid of a lot of old stationary, jewellery, make up, at least two bin bags of clutter and a bin bag or two of old clothes.

I've found looking at pictures of decluttered spaces really helpful, specifically UFYH on Tumblr and Rosianna's instagram and room tour. With Rosianna it impressed me how someone could get rid of so much stuff, including really personal items. I don't think I'll ever get to the point where I have that little stuff because of my boxes and boxes of American Girl clothes and my incredible dolls houses (seriously, I got a child's dolls house age two or three and it was a project of mine which I finished at 10 where I completely refurnished, rewallpapered, refloored and put in lighting with the help of my Dad and all of my family members who gifted me pieces of furniture including an aga and building blocks for children and mini towels and little fimo sausages I made with my Mum. I took it from a clunky child's toy to a beautiful little adult house by browsing for hours on the dolls house website. It's still one of my proudest achievements.)

I read the Konmari book and though a different opinion was helpful, I found it a little unrealistic. My hair straighteners do not give me a "spark of joy" but my straightened hair does. And where does a spark of nostalgia come into it? It feels a lot like joy. Also, I can't empty my handbag every day. I don't have the time to repack my bag in the morning: what if I forgot my headphones, train pass or (the worst of all) my purse?

I think the reason I struggle with clearing out things is because of two reasons: they document parts of my life and I get emotionally attached. Sometimes it's things like a certain person gave me an item and they're a really important person in my life or I got the item in a specific place that I have memories attached to. I've struggled to give away my pink dress I got 6 years ago even though it's falling apart because I loved it for two-three years.

The main things I struggle to throw away are: jewellery and earrings, craft supplies, books and handbags. In terms of jewellery and earrings it's ridiculous because I only wear 4-5 pieces because I'm so overwhelmed by the volume of pieces. I really want to wear some pieces I forgot I had: the blue and pink necklace I got in Paris, my mum's old choker which works beautifully with my school's dress code. Some I can probably easily get rid of ie my old accesssorize pieces but my favourite things from when I was 10 will be harder. Craft supplies are difficult because I got loads until I was 15 when I took GCSE art and began to hate it. I'm starting to do it again and I love it and I can't quite bring myself to throw out my coloured paper. In terms of my books: my parents agree to find my book habit which is extremely kind of them. However I've got to the point where I've filled up three bookshelves and I have no more space so I do need to clear out. Approaching donating books is hard because they so kindly pay for everything. Also, in the height of my illness last year I couldn't really do anything but read, and my mum would drive me to the bookshop and let me pick books out to make me feel a bit better. That feeling of escapism makes me so attached to my books. With handbags: I currently can't wear handbags apart from rucksacks and clutches so I should throw out my shoulder bags, right? I really love a lot of my handbags which makes it really difficult. I'm keeping them for when I'm strong, but right now they take up a lot of space.

Hopefully I'll start to come to terms with throwing away things I don't really need. I've really been enjoying the clearout process so far and I feel much less overwhelmed.

Sophie

Pillows!

As many people know I abhor exclamation marks but I can't quite capture my excitement

Basically, YOU CAN NOW BUY PILLOWS FROM ME (also other things but it's the pillows that really excite me)

I set up a society6 and I've added two drawings and this is really exciting for me. I haven't done much art since GCSE and I'm starting again and that's really exciting

You can also buy tote bags, prints, mugs and clocks. You can buy it all here

Plus there is free worldwide shipping today.