December

I haven't been here for a while.

Two things have got in the way: university and my good health.

I've been living a lot and that's been wonderful. And while I have been experiencing London's extensive nightlife I have also been doing day time things: museums and walking to St Paul's (that's one of my favourite things to do) and going to the sky garden and baking. I love baking. It's a huge outlet of creativity for me. My classic baking time is right after the gym when I have all my endorphins and energy. This would be ok if I didn't go to the gym between 8-9pm. Often I'll finish baking at around midnight.

I love my course. It's just fab. It's engaging and tough in a way that school has never truly been for me. Like A Levels were tough but kind of in a super boring way. Now I have to really engage and that's been awesome.

I'll post more soon, I swear.

See you soon xx

The Wall

So I'm really struggling to blog at the moment. Honestly, I'm really struggling to be creative at the moment. I'm trying to write and read but it's hard. I'm putting pressure on myself to review the Anne Frank graphic novel and do the sunflower award thing but the more I push myself, the more I just stop being able to write coherent English.

It's exam season at the moment in the UK and my AS levels mean a lot to me. Far more than they should but they do because I've worked so hard all year and I'll be gutted if I don't get my grades. 

I've started running and I walk everyday because my back starts to go into spasm if I don't which sucks. Also I'm on some mad power tidy at the moment. I am really enjoying these tasks, oddly.

I will return to blogging soon but right now, it will be sporadic.

Night 

Azalea - a collection of Haikus

Stop trying to die please
I am giving you my love
Stop losing your leaves.

Why are you dying
I am trying to save you
But it's freaking hard

I am stressed about maths
But my new azelia
Is ten times more stressful

Please please stay alive
I don't want to kill a plant
Please please save yourself

I keep you in sun
I water you all the time
Why are you dying?

Sometimes I wonder
Why I didn't do English
Then I read my blog.

My Impending Doom

Oh, maybe not.

It's exam season and if you read my blog wayyyy back in the early days you'll have noticed that most posts were about insomnia.

When I get stressed I get insomnia. Which gets me more stressed. That gives me insomnia.  Which gets me stressed. Which gives me migraine. Which rockets stress through the roof. It's a cycle.

I mean, should I really be stressed? I have exams but I go to a good school who have inevitably over prepared me. I have an azalea that will not stop trying to die on me. That's a bigger source of stress. Plus prefects have just been announced and I didn't want to be one but eugh everyones just being really competitive.

I don't know.

I have good things coming up. I am getting an iphone tomorrow (so so excited. Gold). I'm going to Amsterdam for the tulip festival. I'm going to London. I have amazing friends (Nithya reads my blog. Say hi to Nithya).

Wait who's going to water my azelia when I'm away? I don't think you quite get how much this means to me.

Apparently finishing my 3000 word deadline on whether TENS can be used as an effective pain relief for phantom limb syndrome (spoilers: TENS is awful) had made me stop being able to write.

Could be the hysteria kicking in.

Night

Why am I not on here as much?

I know I'm not posting as frequently and I'm really sorry about that.

Truth is, in one week I break up for easter. After easter I have 12 different really important these grades will get me into med school exams. I also have a 3000 word deadline for my dissertation due in Thursday.

So I'm sorry and I will write about books, but right now, sorry.

S

On loving things.

As part of my school's induction to sixth form they have an annual quiz for the new people. On every table there are two current year 11s, new people, a teacher and a sixth former. It's your first introduction really to your year and your life at the school and I enjoyed it last year.

This year I was a sixth form helper and I adored it. Even more than last year. Maybe it was because I got the in-jokes, or just the flattery of being picked for the job or the bantaaaaaaarrrrr with my head of year (I got a question I should have known wrong. I mean she taught it to me.)

It just reminded me of how much and why I love my school. I was reminded of how much they've truly done for me and I can never stop being grateful to them for all the help they've given me.

I am still ecstatic three hours later just because of how lucky I am to attend and for my teachers to care so much for my wellfare. I just hope I conveyed it in the very best light.

Good night, bloggerverse.

Sophie

My Bloggiversary

Last year on this date I was at my friend Nina's for burns night (n.b. a scottish poet celebration where you eat haggis) where she said I should get a blog.

She designed it, help me set it up and I wrote my first ever post.

4802 views later and I love this blog. It is me all over and I love my stats I could not be more proud of my blog.

Honestly,  setting this up was a great thing to do so thank you Nina. I've written reviews and articles on medicine and put up photography and lists and things that I care about.

A complete set of stats should go up soon. Expect lots of pie charts.

Happy Bloggiversary Kaleidosophie. I love you.

Sophie, no one cares.

Why do I keep writing these to buy lists? I know most of you won't care. Sure, you want stuff. Seriously though, review When You Reach Me. Iphoto crashing is not an excuse.

I like to have goals. I don't know why but I'm very driven by them. I know what I want in the near future and most of the time I know what I want long term. That's why this year new years resolutions have become very important to me. One of the things I plan to do is have a monthly "wrap up" where I tell you which posts I've written, how many books I've read, which films I watched and how far I am into my New Years resolutions.

So these TBR posts aren't for you.They're for me.

Now go away Sophie and get some sleep.

Night

Why do I blog?

Frankly I ask myself that when browsing my archive.

In "It's kind of a funny story" by Ned Vizzini there is a lot of focus being placed on Craig finding his anchor.

I am not always an articulate person.

But when I write I feel very comfortable.

It has become an anchor of control because I hate being out of control.

That's why I blog

I'm taking part in the become a better blogger lift challenge and the first question was why.

New Years Resolution #6

My 6th New Years Resolution was to write more reviews.

I'm going to set myself a challenge.

I want to review every book I read in 2014 (my goodreads challenge is 75 books). It's just because I watch a lot of booktubers (book youtubers) and I hate it when people do hauls and they've bought these really interesting sounding books or books that I've read and I'm interested in their opinion and they never read them or review them.

I get that they have book buying addictions and I know everyone is known to go a little mad when entering Barnes and Noble (or Waterstones or the London Review Bookshop) but I try to read every book I buy unless I loathe them and they're more than 400 pages.

So, I've already read three books so far and I'll try and write and upload as quickly as possible.

They may not always have pictures and I'm sorry about that because of kindles and often it takes a lot of time so sorry.

I love reading and writing and communicating and I hope I can get that across.

Bring on the 75 review challenge.

It's Kind of a Funny Story

There are these books, right.
They're normally published by American Publishers and they're the American editions and they've been shipped over on a big plane across the Atlantic Ocean in its entirety.
You know these books?
These books are the weighty ones.
British books are so light.
You read a penguin classic, you know the white and grey and black ones with the white spines and the monochromatic pictures, and it'll be so light.
I like weighty books because they feel like proper books. They are not woosy books. They are strong books. Books that send you promises that they will be important to you.
I'm reading It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. I can feel this deep feeling that this book will mean something to me. That it will be another Looking For Alaska. I read it and I understand even though I've never been through anything in the book.
This book is a weighty book.

Late night ramblings

It's 11.30pm and the rain is hitting the roof of my room and it's really loud. That's not a bad thing. I love the sound of rain. It makes me feel safe and protected. Listening to the rain in the almost-dark makes me feel serene.

I help the boys read at the junior part of my school. I think they're 9ish. We were reading a bit of Michael Morpurgo and he came across the word serene and asked me what it meant. I knew what it meant but couldn't explain it. Well done Sophie.

I am planning to do a massive book blog post at the end of this year as I'm really proud of how much I've read. I literally was reading a book and week at the start of the year and now look at me, 100 books later. I'm bracing myself as it's going to be a lot of photography but I'm looking forward to it.

I want to write more as part of my new years resolution.

Holy moly this year I'm turning 18. 18. I'm not mature enough to be an adult. Why are you letting me vote? Why are you letting me buy sparklers (confession: more excited about sparklers than alcohol)?

Oh, it must be nice to be normal.

Teenage Vulnerability

I had a dream that all my teachers kept up with all my social media accounts.

According to dream dictionary dreaming of twitter means I want to be better connected. I don't really want the staff room to have daily discussions on my Frozen obsession in 140 characters or my preference for my apricot coloured cardie.

When we write to the internet, we do not write to the world, we write to ourselves. Of course you've heard this with the endless cyberbullying phse sessions and internet deportment lectures "do not put drunk pictures on your facebook" etc etc. But for the non-cyberbullyers among us who ignore those lectures and decide it would be a better use of our time to play with our nails it is still relevant,  but not in the way our school sees it.

We view our internet homes as private. Secluded. Not noticeable. We don't put drunk photos as our profile pictures or empathise with the "legalise cannabis party" on twitter. But we are personal. We let others in. I don't believe that my school year read this blog (if you do, hi. Yeah. This has suddenly got awkward.) and I am far less private on here than I am irl. But I like it here. I like my small amount of internet hits that are mainly from Russia.

And yes, I won't deny, I would be mortified if my teachers told me that they liked my blog post on "meeting people off the internet" and should I really be volunteering to teach the younger boys about internet safety?

It's because my blog is like my bedroom. It is the closest anyone will ever get to having a metaphysical version of my personality. That vulnerability that is specific to opening up to someone is very present on the internet.

I don't regret anything I've written on the Internet. I just am aware of how vulnerable I am on here. Not that I'll ever show it. I just like writing.

The Blog Post Graveyard

Welcome to my Blogger app, a.k.a. my blog post graveyard. Come, take a look around.

Over here we have the angry posts written in a fit of annoyance. I say annoyance because if you read them you'll see they are written in a fit of rage at society and politicians. Yes, that's the one about Time magazine and their article about our generation. Moving on.

Here are the dorky posts. Oh, so you've noticed the 600 word post about how Percy Jackson makes me cry? Yes, people aren't invited here very often. No photos, please. Ah, the post about how I don't drink? Facinating, isn't is, and a little terrifying that I was going to be so open on the net. Yes, I am exhausted when I write these so I lack judgement.

This dark corner is entitled, things I've never started. Yes, some of the ideas are quite good aren't they? Why didn't I write them? I wanted to sleep really. Didn't have enough time to write them. Missed my own personal "deadline" for them. Regardless, it's usually ridiculous.

And finally, posts I've taken down. It's very small but quite entertaining.

I'm afraid that ends our tour. Exit through the gift shop. Thank you.

letter from sleep

To all my readers last month:

Thank you.

I created a blog in January. I got a few page views a day. I was happy. 

In March I wrote a controversial piece on advertising and wow, I got 20 page views in a day. In May I had almost 500 pages views and that was my top month. 

Until September. 

I had 627 page views overall and 74 page views on one individual day.

You see, I love to write. 

It's odd because I'm taking three science and two maths a levels and I struggle with mixing numbers and words together. I always have.

But when I'm here just writing, I feel peace. I feel calm. It's like a diary but productive. I feel like I may interest some people and I would love it if my blog brought people happiness. 

Writing has always been a medium I enjoy just I write more when I'm happy (though just the last week I've had writers block, I'm still ecstatic most of the time). I prefer it to art. I'm starting to read more broadly. I'm trying to post broadly.

To do this, I'm thinking of setting a "theme" a month. This also ties in with my be more Rookie campaign. 

I understand this post is sort of a shambles but frankly it's late at night and I'm copying the deep sense of peace I feel at night onto paper.

Goodnight readers.

Sophie x

Thank you.

late night feelings.

A man has dreams of walking with giants
To carve his niche in the edifice of time
Before the mortar of his zeal
Has a chance to congeal
The cup is dashed from his lips
The flame is snuffed aborning
He's brought to rack and ruin in his prime
My world was calm, well ordered, exemplary
Then came this person, with chaos in her wake
And now my life's ambitions go with one fell blow
It's quite a bitter pill to take

A spoonful of sugar that is all it takes
It changes bread and water into tea and cakes
A spoonful of sugar goes a long, long way
'Ave yourself a 'ealthy 'elpin' ev'ry day
You're a man of 'igh position
Esteemed by your peers
And when your little tykes are cryin'
You 'aven't time to dry their tears
And see them grateful little faces
Smilin' up at you
Because their dad, 'e always knows
Just what to do

You've got to grind grind grind at that grindstone

Though child'ood slips like sand through a sieve
And all too soon they've up grown
And then they've flown
And it's too late for you to give
Just that spoonful of sugar
To 'elp the medicine go down
The medicine go down, the medicine go down.

In defence of: blogging while tired

My last two blogs have been posted this week and as you may have gathered,  I started a new school. Being new is exhausting, I'm learning everything all at once. As a result I'm blogging while being ridiculously exhausted and I'm loving the results.

When I am tired I'm not as inhibited while writing. I think less about what people will think of me, is this sentence moderated to death and will people judge me? As a result my blog posts are more me, like a diary without being to personal and deep because when exhausted I don't have strong emotions. Even now my sentences are meandering and do you know what? I love it. This is what I sound like. I feel genuine. I always try to write like me, for some reason I otherwise think I'm betraying myself and I hate that so even in emails to work experience I write like me.

Late night (well early now I wake up at 6 o clock) blogging is peaceful. All I can hear is the ticking of my clock, the occasional aeroplane, some cars if the wind is blowing the right way. It's really different after going from a city school to the countryside every day because the noise levels are so different. I was really aware of this today after an ambulance rushed past our biology lab. So try late night blogging and I promise you you won't regret it.

This was a sort of pointless post but I have a notice:
I moved around the design on my blog so now my old posts with pictures don't fit. I apologise profusely and will be putting them on Flickr as consolation.

"I want to be Daisy Buchanan"

So the whole of the USA has apparently watched the Great Gatsby and every single girl wants to be Daisy.

*disclaimer* I am totally qualified to talk about this as it's my set text.

The whole point of Daisy is she's a very careless and selfish character who doesn't marry Gatsby because he's poor and his love for her has always held him back. There are great long metaphory paragraphs in this book describing this such as that very strange one about the flowers and breasts at the end of the party that the Buchanans attend.

I get that she's fashionable and pretty but she is meant to be a complex and manipulative character.

If you want to be like that, cool, but don't say that you want to be her for her wardrobe. Go spend everything you own at urban outfitters on one item of clothing. That's what I do.

Good night.