2016 resolutions

I do this every year now. I guess now it's "tradition" but it also gives me a place where I can't lose my resolutions. Last year I wrote a massive post about resolutions which can kind of be summarised:
1. Get my health up to go to university
2. Clear out my room
3. Learn how to use to-do lists
4. Learn how to write to a higher standard
5. Start writing more short stories
6. Write more
7. Work really hard

What stands out to me now is the final sentence: I'm finally becoming an adult. I have definitely grown up so much this year. University pushed me to grow up and I love who I'm becoming. That's a really wonderful feeling.

My main achievement in 2015 is the milestones I've made with my health. I got a good physio November 2014 so my recovery only really started November 2014. And though my consultant told me my recovery would take two years it's taken one. Last year I couldn't do three squats and now I can do hundreds upon hundreds. And last year I couldn't go to school full time and now I can do so so  much. In October I'd cry myself to sleep with happiness. And while my health isn't perfect *cough chronically dislocating shoulder from early November to mid December* it's so much better and I can do the stuff I want to do. I can live.

I got rid of a lot of stuff and my room feels much less cluttered. Still some work but I've got rid of over 130 books.

I now can't function without a to do list. I got into it mid January last year when I got a studyblr and started bullet journalling. It's been great for my organisation.

On resolutions 4, 5 & 6 ----- 5 & 6 were a cop out but some of the stuff I've read about my health are some of the most heartbreaking and wonderful things I've ever written. I think why pain is sometimes romanticised is because the things we create while in pain can be very intense emotionally because pain, especially chronic pain, is very intense emotionally.

I've worked very hard this year even with lower energy than other people. And my A level results were phenomenal and I'm ecstatic still.

NEW RESOLUTIONS

• Come off meds
• Be able to wear heels
• Run without intervals
• Go sugar free two days a week (not fruit)
• Eat more fruit
• Start blogging about food
• Cook from a cookbook at least once a month
• Cook from Peace and Parsnips
• Stop caring about your bullying cookery teacher
• Host a dinner party
• Forgive yourself when you accidentally eat meat.
• Average 2:1+
• Get an interview at WDW
• Read 30 books
• Read unread books on my shelves
• Make desk drawers manageable
• Cut down screen time in bed
• Move flats
• Buy more plants
• Go out more
• Take more photos and not just selfies
• Live your youth

December

I haven't been here for a while.

Two things have got in the way: university and my good health.

I've been living a lot and that's been wonderful. And while I have been experiencing London's extensive nightlife I have also been doing day time things: museums and walking to St Paul's (that's one of my favourite things to do) and going to the sky garden and baking. I love baking. It's a huge outlet of creativity for me. My classic baking time is right after the gym when I have all my endorphins and energy. This would be ok if I didn't go to the gym between 8-9pm. Often I'll finish baking at around midnight.

I love my course. It's just fab. It's engaging and tough in a way that school has never truly been for me. Like A Levels were tough but kind of in a super boring way. Now I have to really engage and that's been awesome.

I'll post more soon, I swear.

See you soon xx

Uni is odd

At the moment it feels like a youth hostel trip with complete strangers. I'm in a foreign room with yellow walls and share a kitchen between 7 lovely people. 

I'm loving it so far. Adoring it. Feeling v when will my life begin reprise 2

University is like the solar system

I have watched hundreds of videos about university on YouTube yet not one has mentioned the fear you feel before you go.

It's not so much a fear of not fitting but more of the unknown and I'll know I'll fit as the most popular idea for dress up is Disney and one of the main threads on the FB group is where the nearest nandos are to each campus. I mean it's ridiculous because it's not that unknown because I'll be at London, where I've basically grown up. I just have no idea who my flat mates are at all which is a bit scary.

I keep thinking about how university is like the solar system. No matter how far I go out (and tbh my commute home is 5 minutes longer than my journey home from school so I'm basically only at Mercury in this analogy) I'll always have home as my anchor, like the sun. I'll just gravitate round and round it, with a second home on a different planet.

On Results Day

I have had two "results days" so far in my life. I cried on both occasions, for different reasons. My GCSE results came in two waves and my worst results were released first and I honestly didn't think I had got into my sixth form. My AS results were much better than I could have ever anticipated but all the tension before my results came out built up and my results were such a wave of relief that I sobbed in the car home. Happy sobs.

I've had plenty of "results" throughout my life so far: my education has been filled with entrance tests and interviews (for schools rather than jobs) and music exams and internal exams. Just this November (which feels like a lifetime ago) I stayed up until midnight with one of my best friends, Nithya, to get our BMAT results.

The difference between every other result is that results day is a national thing. Everyone anticipates. And you know when it's coming. It's not like university offers or music exam results or even class tests. And everyone you know wants to know on the day you get it and that's a cause of stress. 

I am much less stressed this year though. I've worked so hard this year and asked for help when I needed it that there is no way I could have done better than what I get. If I don't get into my university I'll be gutted, truly truly gutted, but it's probably fate and instead I'll meet people that are influencial in shaping Birmingham Sophie or clearing Sophie. That rational thought process does calm me down a lot even though inner Sophie is screaming "what you've worked so hard you deserve what you were predicted after mocks, how dare you."

I just hope I've done well enough, I guess. I've done the best I can do.

Summer of DSLR

I'm a terrible blogger, sorry. I'm slap bang in the middle of my A2s (why am I not studying) and it has consumed me. I have a ton of half finished drafts about leaving school and role models and I AM SO BUSY RN.

I want to take photos this summer. Not iPhone photos, proper photos on my DSLR. I've been too ill to carry it but I am slowly getting better so I must must must get back in the photo game because in the past I have taken some beautiful photographs:

This project was inspired in particular by this

On books, identity and health.

I am currently in a reading slump. Well, I have been since February, really. I read ACOTAR by Sarah J Maas in under 24 hours and absolutely adored it. I've missed that total absorbing phenomena that is reading but at the same time Sarah J Maas had an ability to make me passionate about a plot line and her characters in a way regular books don't. So maybe I miss good books but really I think I miss reading. 

Reading has always been such an integral part of my identity, especially when I was ill. It kept me together through everything but also it gave me this purpose. Everyone was getting involved in music and drama and sport but I couldn't do any of it but I still had the magical talent of being able to read at 500000 miles an hour. So when I examined who I was I was a "reader." Also, reading is not a physical phenomenon so I have always been able to do it. I love playing piano and guitar but I hurt after playing them even for 10 minutes. I love going to London but that is exhausting. I love writing but that hurts after a while. Reading was never a problem.

My mother reckons that when I'm unhappy, I don't read. I haven't felt particularly unhappy since February though but I am stressed. I have firmed my uni for next year and it's perfect. Truly perfect for me. If I miss my grades I'll be gutted. So there's that. But also I'm applying for specific accommodation for my health and DSA and I'm just busy with a lot of admin. I realised how stressed I was on Tuesday when I took a deep breath and breathed out at a wave of relief hit me. That doesn't usually happen. I just need to calm down and stop chasing perfection: "oh but if I hadn't crossed out the right answer I would have got an A* in the mock".

I'm slightly rambling, sorry. Often I plan out what I'm going to write but I just really wanted to examine and share my headspace and I don't think planning helps that goal.

I get my final school report tomorrow. I have 8 days left of school ever before my leavers ceremony. I'm really truly growing up into the world. I'm voting tomorrow. I'm listening to Lily Dreams On by Cotton Mather because it gets my mood right now. I want to write more. I also want to write about identity because I find it interesting to explore.

I'll see you next time xx

Current mood: so. busy.

I guess I haven't been on here for a while and I should explain why.

I am currently revising for my A2 exams and I am throwing myself into it. I need AAB to get into my firm choice (which I couldn't not be happier with) and the fear of missing my grades is propelling me into a workaholic. I am literally obsessed with getting these grades. 

I am also finally well enough to have some vague semblance of a social life so that's taking up the very little free time I have. Honestly, it's nice to have stuff going on: for example tomorrow I get my chemistry mock results back, then I have a C3 mock, then in the afternoon I am going to my friend Tilly's for birthday cake and then I have to rush home to start babysitting at 8.50. It's a bit mental but I'm fine with that.

So yes, I will return. 

Soon, I swear.

Sophie xx

Currently listening: Smoke + Mirrors by Imagine Dragons

On Education

I read an article on Rookie about leaving high school and since I read it I just want to educate myself. I have a real urge to read non-fiction and articles on the New York Times and Rookie because I really just want to push the boundaries of my knowledge and empathy because I believe the two are very closely linked.

Ever since I was very young I have enjoyed education, specifically in terms of Biology. I used to read books on the human body and play Learning Ladder in Geography and English and Maths and I had a Sesame Street game. However, I've found the A Level syllabus fairly limited. Don't get me wrong, not having to do French or History is great, but I often feel that I get a very narrow education with it. I really like how specific the syllabus is, however, I feel like there is very little emphasis on finding things you enjoy in a topic. For example, I really enjoy learning about the nervous system in terms of pain but I have only learned about the mechanisms in which an impulse occurs. That basic knowledge is useful, but there needs to be more emphasis on relating it to your real life interests.

I do have a Biology teacher who attempts to do this but she really explores her interests rather than ours. She also sets a lot of work which I don't think stimulates this kind of learning because by the time I've finished all that work I'm too tired to read and write and I just end up watching PLL.

My school does push me with this which I am grateful for. We were made to do a 5000 word essay last year and as much as I moaned about citations I do believe it was a good experience for me. I learned how to research, write scientifically and it really made me feel like I was an expert on the topic I picked. I think developing these skills was a really good thing for me because we're not taught skills enough. I have been in school for 15 and a half years now but I've never been taught to write or revise or draw or budget. I've had to work them out as I go, and never in an environment where I wasn't doing the real deal. I've never been encouraged to keep a personal diary or sketchbook. I wish my education had included these things.

I think this is all coming from my current headspace which is very much a headspace of self improvement as my health improves. I want to become a better writer and live in a better space and try to become as educated as I can be. I feel that I haven't had the energy ever since May 2012 to do all this and now I have it I want to pour it into making uni-me the best me. I'm currently reading a book about pain where one woman felt like she had been asleep for 10 years and now she had to catch up on everything. That's how I'm feeling at the moment. Catching up.

#DearMe

I don't quite know where to start this letter. I'll give you some basic advice: get a fringe, get a warmer foundation and foundation brush and get contacts.

Be braver. I am so very proud of you because you are very self starting, but be brave. Talk to people when you have problems. Write when you have problems because it will really help you in year 9 to understand the problem.

You have Hypermobility Syndrome. Get the diagnosis and get ultrasound on your feet.

Your teachers are not always right. Remember that you are just as much as a person as they are and they do not have a right to bully you. Stand up for yourself and remember that just because you are less physically capable doesn't mean they are allowed to be cruel. You are far more accomplished than they will ever be.

You don't need 10A*s to be happy, Sophie. I didn't (you would be ashamed of my GCSEs) but I'm happy. And you'll learn to miss your expectations at GCSEs, not AS levels. And that's nice.

Move schools at sixth form. Don't stand for being ill. If something makes you terrified, it's probably not the right choice. Don't stop reading, don't stop writing. Take English and Maths AS, not Physics and Geography.

You are wonderful and oh so flipping smart.

If you're worried about me, don't be. As Hayley would say:

Things are looking up, oh finally