Current mood: so. busy.

I guess I haven't been on here for a while and I should explain why.

I am currently revising for my A2 exams and I am throwing myself into it. I need AAB to get into my firm choice (which I couldn't not be happier with) and the fear of missing my grades is propelling me into a workaholic. I am literally obsessed with getting these grades. 

I am also finally well enough to have some vague semblance of a social life so that's taking up the very little free time I have. Honestly, it's nice to have stuff going on: for example tomorrow I get my chemistry mock results back, then I have a C3 mock, then in the afternoon I am going to my friend Tilly's for birthday cake and then I have to rush home to start babysitting at 8.50. It's a bit mental but I'm fine with that.

So yes, I will return. 

Soon, I swear.

Sophie xx

Currently listening: Smoke + Mirrors by Imagine Dragons

On Education

I read an article on Rookie about leaving high school and since I read it I just want to educate myself. I have a real urge to read non-fiction and articles on the New York Times and Rookie because I really just want to push the boundaries of my knowledge and empathy because I believe the two are very closely linked.

Ever since I was very young I have enjoyed education, specifically in terms of Biology. I used to read books on the human body and play Learning Ladder in Geography and English and Maths and I had a Sesame Street game. However, I've found the A Level syllabus fairly limited. Don't get me wrong, not having to do French or History is great, but I often feel that I get a very narrow education with it. I really like how specific the syllabus is, however, I feel like there is very little emphasis on finding things you enjoy in a topic. For example, I really enjoy learning about the nervous system in terms of pain but I have only learned about the mechanisms in which an impulse occurs. That basic knowledge is useful, but there needs to be more emphasis on relating it to your real life interests.

I do have a Biology teacher who attempts to do this but she really explores her interests rather than ours. She also sets a lot of work which I don't think stimulates this kind of learning because by the time I've finished all that work I'm too tired to read and write and I just end up watching PLL.

My school does push me with this which I am grateful for. We were made to do a 5000 word essay last year and as much as I moaned about citations I do believe it was a good experience for me. I learned how to research, write scientifically and it really made me feel like I was an expert on the topic I picked. I think developing these skills was a really good thing for me because we're not taught skills enough. I have been in school for 15 and a half years now but I've never been taught to write or revise or draw or budget. I've had to work them out as I go, and never in an environment where I wasn't doing the real deal. I've never been encouraged to keep a personal diary or sketchbook. I wish my education had included these things.

I think this is all coming from my current headspace which is very much a headspace of self improvement as my health improves. I want to become a better writer and live in a better space and try to become as educated as I can be. I feel that I haven't had the energy ever since May 2012 to do all this and now I have it I want to pour it into making uni-me the best me. I'm currently reading a book about pain where one woman felt like she had been asleep for 10 years and now she had to catch up on everything. That's how I'm feeling at the moment. Catching up.

#DearMe

I don't quite know where to start this letter. I'll give you some basic advice: get a fringe, get a warmer foundation and foundation brush and get contacts.

Be braver. I am so very proud of you because you are very self starting, but be brave. Talk to people when you have problems. Write when you have problems because it will really help you in year 9 to understand the problem.

You have Hypermobility Syndrome. Get the diagnosis and get ultrasound on your feet.

Your teachers are not always right. Remember that you are just as much as a person as they are and they do not have a right to bully you. Stand up for yourself and remember that just because you are less physically capable doesn't mean they are allowed to be cruel. You are far more accomplished than they will ever be.

You don't need 10A*s to be happy, Sophie. I didn't (you would be ashamed of my GCSEs) but I'm happy. And you'll learn to miss your expectations at GCSEs, not AS levels. And that's nice.

Move schools at sixth form. Don't stand for being ill. If something makes you terrified, it's probably not the right choice. Don't stop reading, don't stop writing. Take English and Maths AS, not Physics and Geography.

You are wonderful and oh so flipping smart.

If you're worried about me, don't be. As Hayley would say:

Things are looking up, oh finally

Decluttering

It was a New Years Resolution of mine this year to try to declutter my room.
I felt very overwhelmed with my room last year and I'm trying to make an active change to make it feel more calm and more like me. It was really a push to make my room feel like it belonged to an adult Sophie rather than a child Sophie, the Sophie who's going to uni in 7 months and maybe a year abroad in the USA in 18 months; I just don't want as much stuff when I make these changes in my life. I've done some great things so far: I cleared out all of my old maths exercises from last year, I've digitised my physics notes, I've reorganised my fairy lights so they look fly, I've got rid of a lot of old stationary, jewellery, make up, at least two bin bags of clutter and a bin bag or two of old clothes.

I've found looking at pictures of decluttered spaces really helpful, specifically UFYH on Tumblr and Rosianna's instagram and room tour. With Rosianna it impressed me how someone could get rid of so much stuff, including really personal items. I don't think I'll ever get to the point where I have that little stuff because of my boxes and boxes of American Girl clothes and my incredible dolls houses (seriously, I got a child's dolls house age two or three and it was a project of mine which I finished at 10 where I completely refurnished, rewallpapered, refloored and put in lighting with the help of my Dad and all of my family members who gifted me pieces of furniture including an aga and building blocks for children and mini towels and little fimo sausages I made with my Mum. I took it from a clunky child's toy to a beautiful little adult house by browsing for hours on the dolls house website. It's still one of my proudest achievements.)

I read the Konmari book and though a different opinion was helpful, I found it a little unrealistic. My hair straighteners do not give me a "spark of joy" but my straightened hair does. And where does a spark of nostalgia come into it? It feels a lot like joy. Also, I can't empty my handbag every day. I don't have the time to repack my bag in the morning: what if I forgot my headphones, train pass or (the worst of all) my purse?

I think the reason I struggle with clearing out things is because of two reasons: they document parts of my life and I get emotionally attached. Sometimes it's things like a certain person gave me an item and they're a really important person in my life or I got the item in a specific place that I have memories attached to. I've struggled to give away my pink dress I got 6 years ago even though it's falling apart because I loved it for two-three years.

The main things I struggle to throw away are: jewellery and earrings, craft supplies, books and handbags. In terms of jewellery and earrings it's ridiculous because I only wear 4-5 pieces because I'm so overwhelmed by the volume of pieces. I really want to wear some pieces I forgot I had: the blue and pink necklace I got in Paris, my mum's old choker which works beautifully with my school's dress code. Some I can probably easily get rid of ie my old accesssorize pieces but my favourite things from when I was 10 will be harder. Craft supplies are difficult because I got loads until I was 15 when I took GCSE art and began to hate it. I'm starting to do it again and I love it and I can't quite bring myself to throw out my coloured paper. In terms of my books: my parents agree to find my book habit which is extremely kind of them. However I've got to the point where I've filled up three bookshelves and I have no more space so I do need to clear out. Approaching donating books is hard because they so kindly pay for everything. Also, in the height of my illness last year I couldn't really do anything but read, and my mum would drive me to the bookshop and let me pick books out to make me feel a bit better. That feeling of escapism makes me so attached to my books. With handbags: I currently can't wear handbags apart from rucksacks and clutches so I should throw out my shoulder bags, right? I really love a lot of my handbags which makes it really difficult. I'm keeping them for when I'm strong, but right now they take up a lot of space.

Hopefully I'll start to come to terms with throwing away things I don't really need. I've really been enjoying the clearout process so far and I feel much less overwhelmed.

Sophie

Pillows!

As many people know I abhor exclamation marks but I can't quite capture my excitement

Basically, YOU CAN NOW BUY PILLOWS FROM ME (also other things but it's the pillows that really excite me)

I set up a society6 and I've added two drawings and this is really exciting for me. I haven't done much art since GCSE and I'm starting again and that's really exciting

You can also buy tote bags, prints, mugs and clocks. You can buy it all here

Plus there is free worldwide shipping today.

Current mood: holy moly U6th

I have been hectically busy recently and I feel like this is the point where I need to try and take a breath before next half term.

I got the flu which wiped out two of my January weekends and I struggled with that. I missed school, including A2 assessed practicals which I had to catch up. 

I had mocks at the start of term which went super well and that made me ecstatic. That was probably the last true break I had over the last month and a half. School has been ramping up the pressure as we get closer to our A2s which I'm trying to manage and sometimes I have to accept that a piece of work is rubbish and that's fine.

I've been physically unstable as well. I've subluxed (partially dislocated) my shoulder twice, plus I'm increasing my cardio extremely quickly. I mean, the outcome is in a month I'll be at a "normal level" of cycling and being fit and having energy will be wonderful but right now I'm exhausted all the time. I come home from school and have to take an hour long bath just to relax my muscles enough to walk.

I've started uni research. I'm looking round my top three (UCL, Kings, Birmingham) and talking about study abroad programs and disability aid and DSAs. I'm enjoying it and I am looking forward to the day I drop my commute. I loathe commuting and I'm excited to have my own space away from home.

I really want to start projects as well though. I'm currently clearing out my bedroom which I am loving because I feel like I'm so ready to get to a new stage in my life. I've launched a new tumblr which is a self-motivation thing and I'm working quite hard on making it good for the community instead of being self-indulgent. I want to write reviews of books on here, I want to read more, I want to write in my diary more and I want to start writing the book I started last year because I adore the concept. The plot needs some refining 

Hopefully I'll write more on here?

Currently listening: Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne

Currently reading: I am the Messenger by Markus Zusac

On Body Image

I'm not going to talk about body confidence today in the classic sense of the term. There is so much discussion on learning to love yourself and your nose and your eyes and your bum but I want to talk about illness.

This all came into my consciousness last Friday in Maths. A boy said to me "well your hair is rubbish" in one conversation. This was a stupid thing to say as I'd just had it cut and coloured so I could not be more confident about my hair. I started thinking about which comments would wound me and make me feel low about myself. I realised in that moment that I couldn't be wounded by conventional body comments.

I'm not saying that my body is the perfect body visually, I've just learned how to work with the bits I don't like so I now do like them. I'm not sure how I got to this point so I can't give advice on how to feel good about your body, and I'm sorry about that.

My issue with my body is my hypermobility syndrome. I hate my body because it represents everything that I can't achieve with my lifestyle, I can't spontaneously go to events because I haven't rested beforehand, I can't get a job because I can't handle my commute let alone a job, I can't have a relationship because I don't have the energy etc etc. So while I do have a good relationship with my waist and my thighs, I don't have a good relationship with the way my body hinders me. 

Then, of course, my body is a physical manifestation for my chronic pain that exists all the time in every muscle in my body including my hands, my face, my toes as well as the conventional back, leg, arm and core pain. My relationship with my body is related to my relationship with pain and my relationship with my lifestyle.

Which leads to the question I've been contemplating - can words hurt when it comes to my own self perception of my body? The funny thing is it depends who's words. My consultant can make me hate my body and my physio probably could, but I am the main problem with my own self worth. A lot of the time I have these thoughts (especially at night) which stem from "I am never going to get better" and "this is my life for the next 70 years" and while neither may be true it's the most upsetting and wounding comment anyone could make about my body. If it came from somebody that isn't a medical professional it's easier to deal with because do they really know that much about Ehlers-Danlos type 3? However when it comes from me it is so wounding because I do know my body really well because I can feel it flex and struggle with everyday activities. 

My mum met someone who has a slightly different variant of EDS and asked me if I'd like to meet up and a sense of panic washed over me because there is nothing I hate more in the world that my illness and meeting someone who's main reason for rapport is the thing I loathe is a terrifying concept.

I fear my body.

I dislocated my shoulder today (being prone to dislocations is a major EDS side effect). This is the first time I've dislocated something major and I was so scared for the rest of the day because a tiny action caused me pain. With pain comes resentment which leads to more hate.

Chronic illness is very hard to mentally manage because it makes you hate the body that you live in but I'm trying to get better because that will make my life better, and maybe one day I won't hate my body. I'm never going to love it because I can't ever love something that has made me so unhappy but I'm getting there. Slowly and steadily.

The British Tag

I was going to write a long paragraph about my love for queen and country but then I got the patriarcy and patriotism confused

1. How many cups of tea do you have a day? How many sugars?

I drink tea mainly only on sick days and week days where I'll drink anywhere between 1-5 cups of tea a day. If I'm in lessons all day I'll normally have 2-3 whereas if I'm just studying I drink it obsessively.

Also, I drink Cranberry and Raspberry tea so no milk no sugar.

2. Favourite part of your roast?

As a veggie I'm not a huge roast fan but I love a good carrot

3. Favourite dunking biscuit?

I don't dunk biscuits mainly because tea is a way for me to eat sugar without any calories. Also, most biscuits are fairly mediocre though I will never say no to anything german or an oatmeal and raisin cookie.

4. Favourite quintessentially British pastime?

I adore going for high tea with cakes and scones and those tiny sandwiches, especially at the Maids of Honour outside Kew. I also love Kew and punting (punting is a where you move a boat with a scaffolding pole. Freaking hard to master but when you do you feel like the king of the world. Very Oxford/Cambridge thing to do)

5. Favourite word?

Currently: wavved or a number of british swear words

I also like hyperbole, though I don't know what it means

6. Cockney rhyme slang?

No. 

I went to Columbia Rd with my friend Brodie and the cash point language was either English or Cockney in which I fell about laughing  

7. Favourite sweet?

Dolly mixture but they aren't veggie so either veggie percy pigs, veggie M&S fruit pastilles or tablet

8. What would your pub be called?

The Lioness because one - gryffindor pride and two - female power

9. No.1 British person?

Other than people I know (my consultants and physio are up there) it would be JK Rowling, Lexi Casale and Rosianna Halse Rojas as a close third. Prince Harry is also fairly high up that list 

10. Favourite shop / Restaurant?

(Deep breath) The Breakfast Club, Foyles, The Gate, M&S food and Tophop. This fluctuates a lot but those are my current loves 

11. What British song pops into your head?

The 1966 World Cup song (we're in it for England ENG-GA-LAND) or Wonderwall by Oasis. I mean I love other British music but these are the most "British" to me

12. Marmite?

Ew.

Hopefully that shows the tea drinking, punting side to me. I really love our culture

Night xx

Going Up: January

t's a long month but let's make the most out of the freezing cold and central heating

Going up: UO beanies

I found a good way to fight off the cold winter months is a good beanie. They're super grungy and also have the plus side of making your ears warm  (cold ears are one of the nastiest parts of being cold). Also, beanies can be worn inside so it doesn't leave the possible hat-hair complication. I have a UO beanie from two years ago, and even though they are pretty expensive, they achieve maximum grunge. 

Going up: Mulan

Mulan is probably my favourite post-Christmas wintery movie. Don't get me wrong, Frozen and Chalet Girl are up there but Mulan is just very 90's. 

"But Sophie, is it truly set in winter?"

Arguably, no, but a large portion of the action occurs in the snow and the mountains. It's a very comforting film in the winter not to mention Mulan is the first Disney princess to truly kick-butt which I adore. 

Going up: Bo$$

This song is fantastic. Lots of female power, fantastic harmonies and it just makes you feel like you can kick butt. Go get those resolutions. (I've realised that January is the month of kick-butt)

Going up: Marathons

Of course I don't mean running, who do you take me for? I am referring to the large amounts of spending time indoors, the small amount of post-Christmas cash so no social life and the lack of exams which means January is the perfect time to marathon shows. I've now finished Veronica Mars (and watched the movie and read the two companion novels) and am on series 2 of PLL. I must catch up.

What's going up in your January?

Changes

I am goal obsessed as a person. I have resolutions and to-do lists and short term goals and a 1-year plan (get good grades, get good accomadation, go on holiday, go to ikea, go to uni).

I feel like my blog needs more direction so here are the projects I want to start up:

1. Write more things to do with books

I used to write all the time about books and review them and I miss discussing them especially as I don't do English A Level.

2. I want to write what I used to vlog

I used to have a YouTube channel which became really hard to manage as I went into sixth form/got less energy. However the content I used to make used to be interesting for me like: what was going up and down in a month and growing up. I want to make my blog more like what Rosianna's channel is like

3. Take more photos

I used to take a load of photos for my blog but that's dried up so I do want to restart that

Hopefully I can manage this.