2014/2015

This post is fairly daunting. This is my fourth (?) attempt at writing this essay/post (I try to write an essay but it does inevitably end up as a post). I want to write down my "resolutions" for 2015 but every time I do I end up rattling off 2014 like I did last year with my 2013 post. The issue is that I didn't achieve much in 2013 but I achieved so much in 2014 and I come across as smug and trying to wound the readers confidence (which is the last thing I want to do).

My main resolution for 2015 is to get ready to uni. I've now been accepted by four universities and they're good universities. It's been a real confidence boost for me. The UCAS process was often described as really difficult and scary. That was partly because I wanted to do medicine but also my old school told us from fourteen that we needed to do extracurricular for universities to consider us when really nobody mentions their CREST science award or bronze DofE.  I just need to hear back from my final choice now. I know that with university applications that no news is good news but it is fairly frustrating when the university said they would start offering places in late December.

My main emphasis in this resolution is that I have to get my health up to go to university. For those of you who stumbled upon this, hi, I'm Sophie and I have hypermobility syndrome which is a chronic pain and fatigue syndrome with similar symptoms to fibromyalgia. If I get strong this year I will be able to do more things as my muscles won't get as tired. People often believe that pain is the worst thing about a condition like this but honestly the fatigue is the worst thing. Having no energy is debilitating and you have to plan obsessively when you want to go out. When I check the diary for a day or night out I have to see if I'm doing anything in the 48 hours surrounding the event so I can rest. Pain is completely manageable if you have something to look forward to. However, if you don't have the energy to do things it becomes a condition that is much more difficult to cope with. I have to get to a point this year where I have energy to live a normal student life and I can only do that through physio which is physically tough. I really want to have a normal uni experience.

I also want to clear out my room as part of the mental preparation of living away from home. I like my room and it's physically beautiful but I've felt like it's been clogged up since I moved in to my current house. My room at my last house was too small for me and the wardrobe was a nightmare because nothing fit in it but I absolutely adored it. My current room is 40% bigger and the wardrobe is massive (which I adore) but recently I've felt off in it because it's felt very full up with things I don't need any more. My room is also my work space so I struggle to distance myself from my work in it as my work is always on every single surface because my room is too full to put it away.

I want to clear out my rubbish because I want to feel like I have a room at home which is a really safe space for me that is luxurious compared to the broom cupboard I will inevitably end up in in London. I read Apartment Therapy when I was thirteen and has become a really important book for me because it discusses your space and your corresponding mental state. It covers how to clear out and make your home you can really love. They also have a fantastic interior design blog. I need to clear out my room because as Apartment Therapy has always said, if you are cluttered and unhappy with your home you will find it uninviting. My room often reflects my state of mind (which is often overwhelmed). I want my room to be a calm place and it's not right now.

There's a part of that clear out process that feels like I am ready to start a new part of my life and part of that is not carrying round junk from my current life. I'm not going to throw away important things but my physics practical books aren't going to be a thing I look back on fondly when I'm in my fourties, instead I'll write horror books based on the trauma of the physics practical lesson. I need that clean start and I can't do that with fifty-two highlighters.

I need to learn how to use to-do lists. I am great at writing them however I struggle with looking at them and carrying out the things on the list. Honestly, the items are normally on the list because I'm procrastinating in the first place. I'm aware at uni my mum won't remind me that I really need to drive my car because I haven't driven it in two weeks and the battery will go flat (again). I can't really say that "get organised" is a goal because I'm generally on top of most things but I do need to start writing down things on paper, instead of my hands.

Another main resolution is to learn how to write to a higher standard. 

Writing has been important to me since a young age; I wanted to be an author when I was in junior school. A part of that has always been that I have been fairly good at it throughout my childhood, it's the thing I felt best in for a long time which is odd because I now only do science and maths. I stopped writing properly throughout my teenage years until this blog (and a couple of novel attempts in my early teens) so I feel fairly out of practice.

My English GCSE had three pieces of coursework: a non-creative piece, a creative piece and a response to a newspaper article. My worst score was in the non-creative section which has dented my confidence. I want to write essays because I find ideas easier for non-creative writing but it just doesn't come as naturally to me as when I write creatively. I'm also reading a lot of essays at the moment and that has really inspired me to do something I find really difficult to do.

I struggle mainly with writing sentences that are "nice" and writing large volumes. When I read essays I'm struck by the length of the paragraphs. Maybe I don't have as much to say? Maybe I'm someone who condenses (I'm definitely someone who condenses)? I want to write longer paragraphs.

I want to start writing more short stories. I used to write fiction so readily. I always want to write a book with a complicated plot and I just need to focus on my short stories so I become an engaging writer. Often when writing fiction my style becomes self indulgent, my language slips out of those nicely constructed sentences I pride myself on and I just start to try and engage with the characters without trying to engage with the reader. I become wrapped up in my own head. I can't do this if I want to write well. 

My big hurdle with writing short stories is my lack of ideas. It's less of a lack of ideas but a lack of confidence in those ideas. "That won't work." "That's too complicated." I've been reading short stories, especially on Rookie, and often they're just little snippets on how people interact with eachother. It can not be hard to think of two people to talk to each other. 

I would like to write more. I think that's really a large part of my whole "write better" resolution. I don't believe in quantity over quality but I do believe that the more you write the more comfortable you become with your voice and style. Everything really improves.

My final big resolution is just for me to work really hard. I already do this but self motivation can be really difficult, especially during the Easter holidays before study leave. I also want to work hard when I get to uni and to not be daunted by the amount of work that I get set. I'm really looking forward to being set reading as uni homework because reading is something that I am naturally good at and fast at. I haven't been set reading prep in a very long time.

I think there's a balance between self kindness and self motivation. On one hand if you aren't kind to yourself when it comes to doing exams and doing past papers then your confidence drops and this isn't good for the quality of your work. Then, on the other hand if you're too kind I don't think you'll work as hard. There's a balance. Sometimes I'm overly harsh to myself because I really want to acheive. I think it's ok. I just have to monitor it.

My other resolutions don't feel as much like proper resolutions but more like little goals that I just want to do: I want to get go on holiday with my friends post exams,I want to go to the Kings Road or Carnaby Street with Han*, I'm seeing Samantha Shannon on the 31st of January, I want to go to Miranda's formal hall**, I want to go to concerts, I want to learn how to do all of my makeup in 10 minutes and I want to die my hair***

Hopefully 2015 will be good because I'm so excited for it. I'm finally becoming an adult 

*We both love Brandy Melville
** My friend Miranda is at Oxford and every Tuesday they have a big dinner with wine and it's in a hall that looks like Hogwarts
*** I'm a bit bored with my hair colour and I really just want to go semi-permanently auburn.

In Case of a UCAS Response

I've made two 8tracks playlists this term, one for being accepted by uni and one for being rejected by uni, in case of both eventualities. Oddly, both contain Paramore and Taylor Swift. 

In Case of Acceptance by Uni from Kaleidosophie on 8tracks Radio.

In Case of Rejection by Uni from Kaleidosophie on 8tracks Radio.

Current mood: awake at 2:14am

Currently my major role model is Rosianna Halse Rojas from the Internet and I found her blog from 2012-ish where she just wrote about life and that feels really really appealing right now.

It is currently 2:14am and I have major jetlag. I had such a lovely holiday and I'm so thankful to be able to get jetlag but I've got physio in the morning and I really need to sleep instead of writing whiny paragraphs on the Internet. I am genuinely concerned about the amount of concealer I'll need tomorrow to hide my bags.

I've also got mocks in early January which is just marvellous. Actually, maths seems to be going ok though I struggle to hit the A* boundary on papers despite the fact it is the subject I was predicted the A* in. I mean, my offer doesn't require the A* but I don't want to feel like I've underachieved. Biology is good but the papers vary so much from year to year and I swear if my mock is heavily based on epistasis and genetic biotechnology I'm fairly screwed. I haven't tackled Chemistry yet because I'm digging my head into the sand as far as it can go. We covered nitriles recently and I'm just lacking confidence. My organic teacher sets such hard homeworks and as a result I lose a lot of my confidence with the subject. My knowledge is sometimes really good as a result but more often than not I just end up feeling a bit terrible about my abilities. I feel like it does more harm than good.

Then, of course, I have to wrap a load of Christmas presents in the next couple of days which will be really tiring, especially as I'm going to physio tomorrow and do my exercise on top of that. Plus, I have to make labels which is another level of physical exertion. 

I should really sleep but goodnight, blog.

Currently listening: Chicago soundtrack 

Currently reading: Runaways by Beth Szymkowski

On Writing

I am a firm believer in writing what you know. Until recently, I've been struggling with writing and what I class as experience.

I read The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan in early November which is a selection of short stories and essays by the late Marina Keegan who died in her early 20's. What struck me was the youth of her writing. Before I read Marina Keegan I thought I had nothing to write about because I never felt like I had begun to live yet. Childhood was good but the last few school years have always felt like an unfortunate experience I had to get through to get to the next stage; work hard on my exams so I have opportunities and then move on. I felt the same about my exam years the same way I feel about main courses. Sure, there are good parts, but it's main purpose is to get to pudding. Marina Keegan took what opportunities come to the young and wrote about them. 

My outlook has got better since I've started doing more this year because I am an adult now, with a car and ID and an unlimited train ticket into the city. I've started doing more of what I consider "the sixth form experience" like going out for drinks on rooftop terraces but also learning to cook baked beans in the microwave and going out on ice cream runs.

I think exploring "the high school experience" and "the sixth form experience" is a really interesting thing to explore because it's a time in your life where you are all going through the exact same thing but in different environments with different groups of people and those people all interact in different ways. I've always found that very pronounced because I moved from a single sex senior school in a small town to a boys school with a co-ed sixth form in an interesting part of a small city that is very student oriented. Comparing my experience to my old friends experiences is weird because we do such different things as a result of our environments but we are still all applying for universities and working for the same exams.

I also feel that sixth form has been the first time where my year have interacted without adults hovering over us all the time. It's the point where we've all begun to interact more freely because of that. I've certainly felt like this is where I've started to become an adult because I can finally make my own choices without an adult interfering with them. It's when people start to make their own choices and make their own experiences which is why writing about them makes them interesting.

I always used to confuse validity of experience. Just because I have had fewer experiences than people who are older than me doesn't make my experiences less valid. I have never been in a serious relationship but I've seen girls get skinnier and skinnier until their hair falls out and I've lived in two countries and I've been followed by a psychotic and worked in a school and a hospital for a week each.

I want to start writing about my experiences as they happen because of these reasons and that's really exciting to me because I am finally becoming a person 

Night time drives

I am one of those lucky teenagers with a full driving licence and a car.

There's always this idea (vision)(illusion) painted by films and tumblr about friends going for late night drives and talking and talking. It's a nice idea. It's dark, so you can talk more freely. It's a very romantic vision because it's very isolating for the people in the car. Maybe there's a mix tape playing. Maybe the passenger has their feet on the dashboard (bear in mind I will kick someone out of the car if they do that).

I just don't love it as an image. I can't talk freely and openly and emotionally when I'm driving because I'm concentrating on my surroundings. I stop listening at roundabouts and hill starts. So you don't get that intensely personal dialouge. Also, normally, I am stressed out when driving at night because I live in the countryside where street lights are practically non existent and the probability of killing an animal is really high.

I just think it's much nicer to be curled up near a radiator (that's on) talking with a friend, maybe with a cup of tea. Or a sleepover, where you lie on your back and discuss your fears and relationships (or philosophy if you've both been drinking).

I guess I romanticise different things. Maybe we romanticise ideas that have been based on our own experiences. I live in the UK which is pretty tiny so road trips are never really considered so we don't romanticise them. And as a result I have never glamourised driving as an emotional experience. I love it, but not because of that. I love it because I like the freedom it gives me, I liked driving to Legoland with Miranda playing Phil Collins' Disney hits on the motorway, I like it on the long straight down towards my village where you can safely hit a good speed without having to worry, I like  the fact that my windscreen heats up and my CD player changes colour and driving to friends houses picking up pizza on the way. But the one thing I will never value, it is talking about my feelings driving at night. It's not for me.

Resolution no.12 - I want to stop being terrified of growing up.

This time last year the idea of growing up made me terrified. The idea would make me panic because I felt like I was not ready to be an adult. In hindsight, that was probably true.

I have pretty severe hypermobility syndrome which governs my life. It leaves me with little energy, chronic pain, migraine and palpitations. It's not nice to live with and doesn't get much awareness.

Last year, due to a really minor change in lifestyle, I sent my back into spasm for three months. This is where my fear of growing up stemmed from. In all fairness, at that point I couldn't cope with my commute because it was too arduous and I had to lie on the kitchen floor every night because my back could not physically hold up my upper body. How can you be an adult when you can't cope with normal, everyday occurences? 

I think we have to start truly diagnosing whether fears are rational or irrational. In my head my fear felt irrational but looking back it was very much the opposite. My fear of snakes isn't rational. My fear of someone getting aggressive in the street with me is rational because I am helpless in that situation due to my poor upper body strength. Dismissing fears immediately does nothing to help the situation.

My fear faded as two things happened. My body started finally (sort of) working without (much) pain and I heard back from universities. Suddenly, I had a future that looked like I wouldn't be in chronic agony. I started to do things in spite of having half the energy of a normal 18 year old. My new physio is really good. Universities started to want me to go to their university and seem to be prepared to help me with my hypermobility.

I succeeded on resolution number 12.  It, like so many things, was linked to my health. Fears can be rational and fear of a world where you can't cope is perfectly normal and fine. I think we just have to recognise that