Resolution no.12 - I want to stop being terrified of growing up.

This time last year the idea of growing up made me terrified. The idea would make me panic because I felt like I was not ready to be an adult. In hindsight, that was probably true.

I have pretty severe hypermobility syndrome which governs my life. It leaves me with little energy, chronic pain, migraine and palpitations. It's not nice to live with and doesn't get much awareness.

Last year, due to a really minor change in lifestyle, I sent my back into spasm for three months. This is where my fear of growing up stemmed from. In all fairness, at that point I couldn't cope with my commute because it was too arduous and I had to lie on the kitchen floor every night because my back could not physically hold up my upper body. How can you be an adult when you can't cope with normal, everyday occurences? 

I think we have to start truly diagnosing whether fears are rational or irrational. In my head my fear felt irrational but looking back it was very much the opposite. My fear of snakes isn't rational. My fear of someone getting aggressive in the street with me is rational because I am helpless in that situation due to my poor upper body strength. Dismissing fears immediately does nothing to help the situation.

My fear faded as two things happened. My body started finally (sort of) working without (much) pain and I heard back from universities. Suddenly, I had a future that looked like I wouldn't be in chronic agony. I started to do things in spite of having half the energy of a normal 18 year old. My new physio is really good. Universities started to want me to go to their university and seem to be prepared to help me with my hypermobility.

I succeeded on resolution number 12.  It, like so many things, was linked to my health. Fears can be rational and fear of a world where you can't cope is perfectly normal and fine. I think we just have to recognise that