On books, identity and health.

I am currently in a reading slump. Well, I have been since February, really. I read ACOTAR by Sarah J Maas in under 24 hours and absolutely adored it. I've missed that total absorbing phenomena that is reading but at the same time Sarah J Maas had an ability to make me passionate about a plot line and her characters in a way regular books don't. So maybe I miss good books but really I think I miss reading. 

Reading has always been such an integral part of my identity, especially when I was ill. It kept me together through everything but also it gave me this purpose. Everyone was getting involved in music and drama and sport but I couldn't do any of it but I still had the magical talent of being able to read at 500000 miles an hour. So when I examined who I was I was a "reader." Also, reading is not a physical phenomenon so I have always been able to do it. I love playing piano and guitar but I hurt after playing them even for 10 minutes. I love going to London but that is exhausting. I love writing but that hurts after a while. Reading was never a problem.

My mother reckons that when I'm unhappy, I don't read. I haven't felt particularly unhappy since February though but I am stressed. I have firmed my uni for next year and it's perfect. Truly perfect for me. If I miss my grades I'll be gutted. So there's that. But also I'm applying for specific accommodation for my health and DSA and I'm just busy with a lot of admin. I realised how stressed I was on Tuesday when I took a deep breath and breathed out at a wave of relief hit me. That doesn't usually happen. I just need to calm down and stop chasing perfection: "oh but if I hadn't crossed out the right answer I would have got an A* in the mock".

I'm slightly rambling, sorry. Often I plan out what I'm going to write but I just really wanted to examine and share my headspace and I don't think planning helps that goal.

I get my final school report tomorrow. I have 8 days left of school ever before my leavers ceremony. I'm really truly growing up into the world. I'm voting tomorrow. I'm listening to Lily Dreams On by Cotton Mather because it gets my mood right now. I want to write more. I also want to write about identity because I find it interesting to explore.

I'll see you next time xx